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If you're a straight woman who has ever been with or is currently with a man who doesn't like to stop and ask for directions, then this is the blog for you.

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TIP #45

THINGS YOU CAN NEVER PUT ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

“I know women.” - If this phrase was true then you’d be dating one.

A winky face emoticon - Nothing says you don’t get laid on a regular basis more than a winky face. Nothing will ensure your continued involuntary celibacy more than a winky face.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” - No one wants to see it. Put it away.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” with a winky face emoticon - Kill yourself now.

“I live with my parents.” - I don’t care if this is true. It’s not a selling point.

“My last girlfriend/relationship…[fill in blank]” - Nothing screams, “Not over your ex” and excess baggage more, unless your profile also has a picture of you two together.

“Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.” - This statement will only attract wannabe video hos and/or underage Eminem groupies resulting in either jail, STDs or R. Kelly’s hot tub.

“I’m a Gemini Pisces Rising.” - What this really says is that you’re a hippie, body odor rising. Unless you’re an incredibly hot hippie (and chances are you’re not), this statement will only work against you.

“I work hard and party hard.” - Great. Now she knows she’ll never see you because you’ll either be too busy working or too drunk to remember to call.

Inches having to do with anything other than height - Doing so will ensure that your profile gets forwarded to all of her friends and laughed at. Repeatedly.

“My friends tell me I look like Brad Pitt.” - No good relationship ever started with a lie.

TIP #44

PICTURES THAT ARE NEVER ALLOWED ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

  • You next to a car
  • You in a car
  • Your car
  • You with an ex-girlfriend blatantly cut from the photo
  • You with an ex-girlfriend still in the picture, literally and figuratively
  • You naked.
  • Headshots…no, not that head—the other one.
  • Your bedroom, especially if you call it your “boudoir,” or say, “this is where the magic happens.”
  • You flexing (unless it’s somehow ironic).
  • You in a hot tub.
  • You five years ago with more hair and/or less weight.
  • You passed out with a drawing of a penis on your face.