TIP #45

THINGS YOU CAN NEVER PUT ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

“I know women.” - If this phrase was true then you’d be dating one.

A winky face emoticon - Nothing says you don’t get laid on a regular basis more than a winky face. Nothing will ensure your continued involuntary celibacy more than a winky face.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” - No one wants to see it. Put it away.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” with a winky face emoticon - Kill yourself now.

“I live with my parents.” - I don’t care if this is true. It’s not a selling point.

“My last girlfriend/relationship…[fill in blank]” - Nothing screams, “Not over your ex” and excess baggage more, unless your profile also has a picture of you two together.

“Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.” - This statement will only attract wannabe video hos and/or underage Eminem groupies resulting in either jail, STDs or R. Kelly’s hot tub.

“I’m a Gemini Pisces Rising.” - What this really says is that you’re a hippie, body odor rising. Unless you’re an incredibly hot hippie (and chances are you’re not), this statement will only work against you.

“I work hard and party hard.” - Great. Now she knows she’ll never see you because you’ll either be too busy working or too drunk to remember to call.

Inches having to do with anything other than height - Doing so will ensure that your profile gets forwarded to all of her friends and laughed at. Repeatedly.

“My friends tell me I look like Brad Pitt.” - No good relationship ever started with a lie.

TIP #44

PICTURES THAT ARE NEVER ALLOWED ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

• You next to a car

• You in a car

• Your car

• You with an ex-girlfriend blatantly cut from the photo

• You with an ex-girlfriend still in the picture, literally and figuratively

• You naked.

• Headshots…no, not that head—the other one.

• Your bedroom, especially if you call it your “boudoir,” or say, “this is where the magic happens.”

• You flexing (unless it’s somehow ironic).

• You in a hot tub.

• You five years ago with more hair and/or less weight.

• You passed out with a drawing of a penis on your face.

TIP #43

If you think Just the Tip is fun, then you’ll want to check out these other games as well:

Just the Clap

Just the Child Support

TIP #42

Living life without the right woman is like eating Lucky Charms without the marshmallows: you’ll be fed, but it’s far less magically delicious.

TIP #40

If it looks like you’re wearing a sweater when you’re actually shirtless, woman up and get that shit waxed.

TIP #37

You can never, ever, ever, ever, ev-er say any of the following similar statements to any woman. I don’t even care if you’re married to her:

“When are you due?”

“Congratulations! When are you due?”

“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

“Are you waiting to find out the sex of the baby?”

“Are you registered at Babies”R”Us?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“How far along are you?”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Should we be thinking of baby names?”

“OHMYGOD ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?”

Unless you physically see an ultrasound or a head crowning, keep your mouth shut.

TIP #36

Spitting isn’t cool.

It’s just the more active form of drooling.

TIP #33

Women (especially the right women) flock to food like moths to a flame. I learned this last night at a party. The most popular men were the dudes holding the food. So, instead of sending over a drink to the cute girl at the bar, try sending over some cheese fries, tater tots, mozzarella sticks…pretty much any carb will do.

Bonus points if you send a carb mixed with cheese.

No, seriously. Trust me. And, if not me, then trust Liz Lemon:

(photo via)

TIP #31

Female powers of deduction:

The more expensive the car, the smaller the penis.

TIP #30

We are more than the summation of our body parts. Calling someone a pussy makes no sense. Even having a vag doesn’t actually make you one because if it did, that would mean that you’re nothing but a dick.