TIP #48

You know why Beatriz Enríquez de Arana never married Christopher Columbus?

Because he refused to stop and ask for directions.

TIP #47

While doing the dishes together, playfully throwing sudsy water at your girl doesn’t turn out as cute/romantic/playful as it does in the movies.

I learned that one the hard way last night.

TIP #46

You don’t have to do topiary or anything fancy, but you do have to trim the hedges, mow the lawn, pull the stray dandelions and you should clear any underbrush.

And I’m not talking about landscaping.

TIP #45

THINGS YOU CAN NEVER PUT ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

“I know women.” - If this phrase was true then you’d be dating one.

A winky face emoticon - Nothing says you don’t get laid on a regular basis more than a winky face. Nothing will ensure your continued involuntary celibacy more than a winky face.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” - No one wants to see it. Put it away.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” with a winky face emoticon - Kill yourself now.

“I live with my parents.” - I don’t care if this is true. It’s not a selling point.

“My last girlfriend/relationship…[fill in blank]” - Nothing screams, “Not over your ex” and excess baggage more, unless your profile also has a picture of you two together.

“Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.” - This statement will only attract wannabe video hos and/or underage Eminem groupies resulting in either jail, STDs or R. Kelly’s hot tub.

“I’m a Gemini Pisces Rising.” - What this really says is that you’re a hippie, body odor rising. Unless you’re an incredibly hot hippie (and chances are you’re not), this statement will only work against you.

“I work hard and party hard.” - Great. Now she knows she’ll never see you because you’ll either be too busy working or too drunk to remember to call.

Inches having to do with anything other than height - Doing so will ensure that your profile gets forwarded to all of her friends and laughed at. Repeatedly.

“My friends tell me I look like Brad Pitt.” - No good relationship ever started with a lie.

TIP #44

PICTURES THAT ARE NEVER ALLOWED ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

• You next to a car

• You in a car

• Your car

• You with an ex-girlfriend blatantly cut from the photo

• You with an ex-girlfriend still in the picture, literally and figuratively

• You naked.

• Headshots…no, not that head—the other one.

• Your bedroom, especially if you call it your “boudoir,” or say, “this is where the magic happens.”

• You flexing (unless it’s somehow ironic).

• You in a hot tub.

• You five years ago with more hair and/or less weight.

• You passed out with a drawing of a penis on your face.

TIP #43

If you think Just the Tip is fun, then you’ll want to check out these other games as well:

Just the Clap

Just the Child Support

TIP #42

Living life without the right woman is like eating Lucky Charms without the marshmallows: you’ll be fed, but it’s far less magically delicious.

TIP #41

I like my mashed potatoes like I like my women: a little bit chunky.

TIP #40

If it looks like you’re wearing a sweater when you’re actually shirtless, woman up and get that shit waxed.

TIP #39

If you want it to be all about you then perhaps you should live alone.